It’s the NHL playoffs. Do you know where your controversies are?
No, really, where are they? We’re almost done with the first round and we haven’t seen anything crazy yet. Of course, we’ve had another round of talk about Matt Rempe, a separate debate about kicking, and the usual questions about goalie interference, and the refs are all clearly rooting for your favorite team . But compared to previous years, the NHL got through the first few weeks relatively unscathed when it came to high-profile controversies.
What does it mean? It’s likely that the hockey gods have something horrible in store for us. Probably soon. We better get ready.
NHL playoff controversies are all unique, like precious little snowflakes, even though they generally fall into a handful of categories. There is the (perhaps) dirty trick. There is the (maybe) missed call. There is the (perhaps) violation of the Code, which may also involve a dirty trick on which there is a missed call.
One way or another, something is coming, and we’re all going to blame each other. For now, you might as well get ready. So let’s prepare for the inevitable, with a quick reminder of the 20 stages of an NHL playoff controversy.
Step 1: Something is happening
No matter what. All you know is one minute, everything’s fine. The next day, the crowd is booing, a coach is turning red, everyone is angry on your TV, and your social media feeds are already shouting at each other.
You’re not even completely sure what happened, which leads to…
Step 2: The first replays
They don’t help. On the contrary, they make things worse. A certain point of view suggests that perhaps the game was bad. The next one makes it look good. The third angle is too far away to help. The fourth angle is that of a different match in a different league. You are more confused than before.
Step 3: Advertisers aren’t sure what just happened
There’s a non-zero chance that they won’t even realize what the problem is and will spend those first few minutes talking about a completely different moment that has nothing to do with this one. Once they understand it, chances are they won’t know the rule in question. Will this stop them from speaking about it with authority? Not at all, and whatever misconception they are trying to offer will become a topic of discussion for a fan base in the days to come.
Step 4: The referee addresses the crowd
We don’t always see this step, because sometimes they prefer to drop the puck and continue as if nothing happened. But these days, with so many different types of play subject to review, there’s a good chance the referee will have the opportunity to take another look. And if that’s the case, they’re supposed to let the crowd — and by extension, all of us watching at home — know what’s going on.
This is a good idea in theory, but in reality it means we will run into three problems. First, the referee’s microphone won’t work. Second, he’ll mumble, because no one hates public speaking more than NHL officials. And ultimately, it doesn’t matter if we can hear him, because all he’s going to say is some variation of “one thing happened and we’re looking into it.” It won’t tell us what they’re looking at, or what rule is at issue, or what the consequences of the review might be, or anything useful. Just a few inaudible words, then it’s off to the iPads.
Step 5: Replay Review
This is not conclusive. Every NHL review is inconclusive.
Step 6: Announcement of the exam result
Again, it will be mumbled into a broken microphone and contain no real information. The announcement may not even immediately clarify which team “won” the exam, or what will happen next.
Personally, I miss the days when the referee would just point or wave his arms, and that was it. Was it simpler? Absolutely. Was it better? I thought so, yes. Did that stop everyone from getting angry? No, this is not the case. Did a coach occasionally charge onto the ice to try to fight the referee? This press conference is over, no more questions.
Step 7: Everyone accepts the decision and moves on
Ha ha, just making sure you were still paying attention.
Step 8: The show’s ex-referee intervenes
That doesn’t apply here in Canada, where apparently the only experienced referee allowed on a TV show is Ron MacLean. But in the United States, broadcasters have wisely borrowed a page from the NFL by putting a former referee on standby for exactly this type of situation.
Often, they do indeed provide clarification…to a certain extent. There’s always that awkward moment when they realize that if they go any further in their explanation, they’re going to have to say that the real referee was wrong, which they’d rather not do because deep down, they’re always good Canadian boys. .
Regardless, it’s always fun to see them try to mask their displeasure with this announcer who still thinks the problem is in a completely different room.
Step 9: Something Amazing Happens and No One Notices
This could be in another series. It’s probably in this same game. But it doesn’t matter, because no one pays attention and no one will remember it. Not this evening. We all decided to be angry tonight. Someone could break Darryl Sittler’s 10-point record and we’d still remember it as The Faceoff Violation Game or whatever.
Step 10: Intermission panelists want to compete
Always a highlight. The intermission discussion of the controversial play begins cordially, but soon becomes heated. The ex-player sees things a certain way. The journalist has a different point of view. They both make their case, and soon, teeth are gritted and smiles are forced. At some point, someone else tries to break the tension with a joke. Nobody laughs.
Eventually the segment ends, still without any sort of resolution. As the music from the clip plays and the camera pulls back, you can’t help but notice both people taking off their suit jackets. The next time you see them again, the reporter will have a black eye.
Step 11: You decide to check X
For what? Why would you do that?
Step 12: Someone from a fan base posts a freeze frame that doesn’t help at all
It will be grainy and pixelated and look like a Commodore 64, but a fan base will be absolutely convinced that this proves their entire case.
I mean, look at him ! Everything is fine there! How come you don’t see that? Here, let me open it in Microsoft Paint and draw a circle around a few pixels in a way that doesn’t clarify at all.
What happened in the moments immediately before or after this specific image? Don’t worry about that. It’s the only fraction of a second that counts. That’s all you need to see. And that proves it all, provided you already really want it.
Step 13: Someone from the other fanbase posts an alternate camera angle that helps even less
You will ask yourself questions in particular: how is it so far? Why do they even have a camera up there? And why is the time printed in one corner? Wait, is that an image from the security camera of the bank next door? And most importantly, what exactly am I supposed to see here?
Needless to say, it will be abundantly obvious to a fanbase that this newly discovered footage changes everything, and they will be apoplectic if you suggest otherwise.
Step 14: Someone wants to know why we’re not mad about this different moment from a different game
This has nothing to do with anything you’re talking about, but you have no right to be angry about something unless you’re also angry about everything that happened, you dick. ‘hypocritical.
Step 15: The Completely Unnecessary “Explanation” From the NHL Situation Room Arrives
You know it’s not going to help. We all know this isn’t going to help. Still, you feel the slightest bit of hope when you see that they posted an explanation of the controversial game on the league website. Your enthusiasm lasts exactly four seconds, which is the time it takes you to read their one-paragraph summary that says absolutely nothing.
Why are they sending this? Nobody knows. You’re pretty sure it’s not just to annoy you personally, but you can’t completely rule it out.
Step 16: The coach of the losing team gives his opinion
This will always raise eyebrows. Yes, even if it’s the team you’re cheering for and you’re also angry about the call. Every coach who has ever tried to talk a call out seems a little too whiny and, somehow, a little too cute. Everyone works with the refs come playoff time, and pointing out that something happened against your team is fair game. But the smiling know-it-all game never really works, even though that’s apparently all these guys know.
Step 17: We hear the series supervisor
Not directly, or at least it’s rare. The NHL is notorious for not having an official response to his calls. But eventually, when it becomes clear that this whole thing isn’t going to blow over, the league will ask the series supervisor to intervene.
And their verdict? You won’t believe it, but they think their referees are absolutely right. Hockey fans are truly blessed – other leagues admit when their officials are wrongand even document each potential problem, but somehow the NHL is the only league in which the referees have managed to get it right every time. We’re lucky, aren’t we?
Step 18: Another team’s social media account posts a meme about it
This is the stage where you know it’s over.
Step 19: The league is doing absolutely nothing about it
Are they cleaning up the rulebook? They don’t. Are they clarifying their expectations for how this should have been handled? They don’t. Do they really change anything? Come on.
And ultimately, this may be the right approach. After all, this is professional sports and strange things happen. It’s unfortunate, but that’s life, and you can’t make changes every time a one in a million fluke happens. True leadership means knowing when to stay the course. And while we can all scream, scream, and stomp on a moment we don’t like, those feelings are fleeting. Life goes on in the NHL and one day we will all forget this unpleasant moment.
After all, what are the chances of something like this ever happening again?
Step 20: Something Like This Happens Again
Oh. GOOD. Nevertheless.
(Top photo of Drew Doughty laughing as Connor McDavid argues with an official over a tie goal in Game 2: Jason Franson/The Canadian Press via AP)